#9 :forgetting

I keep forgetting that something is wrong with me. Almost like when you forget someone has died and then you suddenly remember and it’s like you feel the grief all over again from the start.

Rereading that, I understand it sounds overly dramatic. Sheesh.

Right now, in this moment, I feel healthy, happy, vibrant. My life is blessed. I do not feel sick. I feel as good as I have felt in my own skin in quite some time.

But inside my body, there are gremlin cells that, if left to their own devices, will eventually snuff out my health.

All it would take is time.

So, starting soon, I will allow the doctors to make me sick in order to make me well. A ridiculous trade-off made with shaky trust in a health system that profits greatly from the treatment of naughty cells.

When I tell people I am doing well, that yes, it has been a great day, I am not lying. Yesterday, for a few joyous hours I completely forgot I have cancer. I played in the snow. I drank cocoa. I giggled like a kid.

I forgot.

Until I remembered.

I felt the memory that I have breast cancer wash over me leaving a contrail of fear in its wake. It’s a subtle fear, more like a foreboding. A warning. Something bad is about to happen.

( I am ok. I will be ok.

right? )

As soon as the fear enters, I remember that I have learned techniques to deal with uncomfortable messy emotions. I remember the calming meditation I have been practicing since I was a child and my mom gave me a “new age” meditation recording to help control my anxiety and help me fall asleep.

Take 3 deep slow breaths.

This moment is all there is. This breath is all that matters.

The past is gone; the future is a only a dream.

There is only this moment.

There’s no place else you need to be.

There’s nothing that you need to do.

There is no problem that you need to solve.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

You are exactly who you are supposed to be.

You are absolutely perfect.

This moment is exactly as it should be.

Breathe.

It’s way sexier when Dax Shepard coos a similar sentiment to Kristen Bell in the 2012 movie “Hit and Run.” (not a great movie, btw, but a very sweet scene).

So, I breathe. Slowly. Deeply.

And remember that it’s ok to be ok, and it’s ok to forget I’m (sorta kinda about to be) sick. There is no way through this experience other than one breath at a time.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Repeat.